Victoria's Personal Logs pt. 2

OOC: I'm doing another topic because the other one had two pages and I don't wanna force people to go through two pages to read an entry that they probably already don't care about all that much in the first place. First, I will update within this topic, and then once it's at max characters, I'll comment, if we get to that point.

There are two years worth of shorter entries covering her missions with Greene during the break between the Leviathan war and current date, as well as entries on the times where she'd take a break and live her celebrity life.

January 2rd, 2190
The revival of the crew has gone well so far, considering we already rescued Banner and brought Rachel Elizabeth back from the dead. We have a lot more aliens than we've ever had. They outnumber us. Travis would be terrified.
Rachel hasn't changed from her revival experience, unlike Sam did. She remembered all of our inside jokes and picked up on the gossip talk right away. Paul was even able to recognize her. She totally destroyed the Spanish liquor I gave her, though, and that was after two years of being dead. I gotta start training my beer gut again.
Charles used to dislike me, I think, but I've been talking to him, too. He reminds me a lot of Sam, but he's a lot better. He seems like the type who wouldn't have rejected his own girlfriend touching him. He's funny, too. I think I found my next best dude friend.
There's a really weird guy named Yousef. He wouldn't look me in the eye or smile when I was giving him the tour, and then I found out that he was a muslim, so it's because of that, I think. I read the Qu'ran at least 5 years ago, and I hated it. The Bible has some controversial stuff in it, but the Qu'ran is actually terrifying. After that, he walked into the bar and asked for a water bottle and drank it within thirty seconds. Later on, I was talking to Charles, and he came in and grabbed a book really fast, like he was panicking or something. Weirdo.
Adande said during the meeting yesterday that he felt like he did before the Reaper war, which he didn't tell me. I'm scared for him and for my friends because of this, but the way this crew has started, I have faith.

January 3th, 2190
Today went slowly, and I got to talk to a lot of the crew, which was really nice. I screwed around with Rachel and Arglack in the observatory for a few hours, which was really refreshing. I remember a time during the Leviathan war when I was in the Kodiak and the only face I really knew that was in there with me was Adande. I had faith in their fighting skills, but I didn't really know who they were. It was a scary realization, considering I was almost the platoon sergeant. I realized that my favorite time with the 2nd MSRC was the beginning of the Reaper war, when I could sit with Vlad, Rachel, Jason, Cana, Flynt, and Sam all in the same room, and it was no big deal. They all meant so much to me and I never really knew it until they were gone. There's so much I wish I could have said to all of them before they passed, even Rachel, regardless that she's alive again. I've been thinking about them a lot lately, and the more that I think about them, the more that I realize I never really stopped thinking about them. I wonder if it is unhealthy.
You'd think that I would have that feeling again, of not knowing my crew, because they're all new faces. However, it's really easy to talk to the crew right now. With Rachel by my side to teach me what family means again, and Banner telling us he knows we'll raise the privates well, I know it'll only get better from here.
I'm proud of the progress I've made with my mental health. I found out that my parents are either dead or have forgotten me, watched my ex-best friend die without solving our problems, watched my actual best friend die, and dealt with the stress of a celebrity life within the past year and I haven't had a single breakdown, plus the breakdown-free year before the past one. I hope that I can continue to stay strong, because I can't let this unit down again. I already have so many times. I have no excuse anymore.

January 4th, 2190
We have met our next enemy.
We went to Erinle after hearing that it went completely dark and was terrorized by suited Turians. Upon landing, we see that the colony has been bloodstained and littered with civilian bodies. We split up into teams and investigate, and discover that the bodies have been melted into the building by whatever they were killed by. We hear a scream and go to it, and find a suited Turian. He spoke like the Leviathans and the Reapers and the Thorian-- that their kidnapping and killing is justified because they're "cleansing." He introduced his commander, which they call "the last commander," and Banner began reasoning with him. He wouldn't hear any of it, and kept asking us to leave while both him and his buddy randomly injured various members of the group using some sort of unique green biotics. They forced Rena to her knees and gave me the worst pain I've felt before, twice. After more attempts at reasoning, we came to the conclusion that we were to leave the colony. As Banner and Arglack spoke and called in a Kodiak, one of their soldiers teleported in, and began to threaten us. He took Stoat hostage, and I tried to tell it that its commander was being neutral with us, so he probably wouldn't be happy with his action. I kept trying to reason with him, and I was aggressive because they were aggressive, but I didn't ever shoot or anything like that. Briggs told me to stop, which I think is TOTAL bullshit because the soldier just kidnapped one of our men and we didn't do shit. They kept saying that we were primitive, like it was the only word in their vocabulary, and the Commander teleported behind me and gave me that unbearable pain again. I heard the words "We are the Innusanon" as the Kodiak landed, and they teleported away. We board with the ICT guy and Adande and head back, and I spend some time in the medical bay for the pain I had afterwards.
I'm overwhelmed. I miss the civilian life dearly and although I am successful with this crew, I believe that I shouldn't be here. I'm a good marine, but I'm not 2nd MSRC worthy. You have to be flawless to be in this crew, and I'm nothing but flaws. I won't leave, because I won't go and live alone while my husband could be dying at any moment. I need to gain my strength back. I don't want to, but I haven't seen guys this powerful in awhile. I have to.

January 7th, 2190
I just woke up from the induced sleep that Dr. Noava put me into for my cure thing. My mind isn't working straight right now, so I'm going to write pretty weakly, but I thought it would be important to record what I'm feeling right now.
On my way back in the Kodiak, I felt pain almost as bad as the pain induced by the Innusannon. I had an awful migraine that forced me to vomit whatever I had in me, which already wasn't much to begin with, and terrible vertigo. They brought me back to the Constantinople, and the asari doctor put me under right away. I woke up, and made my way down to the medical bay to get painkillers because my migraine was unbearable. The vertigo was just as bad as it was on the Kodiak, so I flew down the steps with a bunch of momentum, and I must have been walking crazy. I managed to make my way up, and lay down again, and started writing this.
From the happy manner of the crew, it seems as if we succeeded in our objective, and some privates got promoted. I'm happy that we managed that, because it was millions of lives at stake. I'm just happy that I could have been a part of doing that.

January 8th, 2190
I don't know what to think.
I was in the middle of a psych appointment when all of the screens on the ship turned on. Arglack's father and other members of his clan were suddenly broadcasted to the entire galaxy across major news networks, tied up, in a line. It showed them for a few moments, and then a masked man came on screen and started talking about how the Krogans are only going to end up underneath those who were "responsible for the Reapers, Leviathans". He took off his mask, and it was Abraham. He killed Arglack's father on screen, slitting his throat. Then, he threatened the Constantinople crew. He said that my dad was a "funny guy," and that he wanted to keep him around. I haven't spoken to my father in five years, and I couldn't even contact him to get him to come to the wedding. How did he find him? Where's my mother? He then mentioned Jex, Rena, and Vazquez, threatening them, too. Clearly, if he's got all of our info, he's threatening all of us. The broadcast then cut off.
   After my short, initial panic, I collected everyone in the crew barracks with Abner and tried my best to keep them sane as we waited on orders. I'm standing there, relaying as much information as I can to everyone when Connie tells me that what I'm saying is "fairly obvious," which really pissed me off because my father and everyone else's families are in danger and Arglack's father was just killed so that was really insensitive, and then a moment earlier Charles very clearly said that he didn't know anything that happened. I stopped talking and sat down because I felt like I could have started to blab nervously, and I was talking the most and trying to keep everyone under control so I wanted to prevent them from hearing that. I'm sitting and thinking to myself, and I hear Popisia say something like "Thanks for repeating what I just said," which was in response to someone else, something I couldn't hear. That just pisses me off. Just because she left her family doesn't mean she has to be insensitive and rude with an attitude to the others that are at danger. Then, Banner entered and told us that all our families will be put under protection programs, which is incredibly relieving, but I'm not sure how they'll find my father, because, again, I couldn't for five years.
   I start walking around the ship, unsure of what to do, and then eventually I just go upstairs and lay down. Adande looks at me for a moment, and then leaves. Now, he's working, and I'm sitting here, and it's silent, and I'm trying so, so hard not to cry. I'm so goddamn stressed to begin with. I know I can handle this responsibility again, and better than before. I know I can. It's just going to be the hardest thing I've ever done.

January 11, 2190
   The anxiety has returned.
   When Adande and I sat down to talk about getting the crew back together, I was excited after I really thought it through and I knew it would be good for me to get back on the field with a little extra discipline in my life. I'd grown up much more, so I believed I'd do much better.
   Now that we've actually returned to the military lifestyle, I'm not so sure. I want to do this. I want to do this so, so badly. I want to succeed, but my crew doesn't believe in me, and I'll never be good enough for my own standards. I try and try and try to be as logical and as smart as Adande, I want to work well under pressure like he does, but I only freeze up and get emotional. I want this lifestyle to be mine. I'm afraid that it isn't, and I'm afraid that the crew will see that, too. I need them to believe in me.
   I swear to God, I can do the right thing.

January 12th, 2190
   The universe is either out to get me, or really fucking testing my strength.
   My home was broken into, and two family friends of Adande and I were killed there. The assailant also threatened my husband's live, my dignity, and my life, too. This, on top of the other acts of terrorism that this 'Abraham' committed, is unacceptable.
   I was already very stressed to begin with. I almost exploded on someone that matters to me very much yesterday due to it. However, if Abraham thinks that this is just going to finish me off, he's wrong. I will destroy him myself if he ever tries to touch me.
   No one can do that to the galaxy without justice. No one can touch my fucking family.

January 15, 2190
Every day that I am not home with him is agony.
I am no longer living in the apartment that I made memories with my husband for two years in. I am living in an apartment where my friends were killed, where I feel I've been shunned away to. This house has made me built more hatred for myself than killing Multis, more than kissing Jason. I was a fool for thinking I wanted to go home. This isn't home. There are ghosts of people I couldn't protect haunting me. I haven't slept in two days. He isn't here to help me anymore. I'm on my own and I don't know if I can do it.
I wasn't strong enough to handle the field, they thought. Maybe they are right, because I can't even handle living alone.

January 16, 2190
I still haven't slept, and I'm now starting to see things.
By the fireplace, Logan and Alex's blood keeps coming back. I have gone back and cleaned the area at least three times, as hard as I can, even without the energy from sleeplessness, but it doesn't work. I know I'm hallucinating it. I keep thinking of Jason, when he couldn't wash the blood off of his hands in Chicago. I keep seeing Paul walk into our bedroom, and I go to find him, and he's gone.
I have stored all the alcohol away, because all I can really do all day is drink, and I won't go out like that. Not after everything I've fought.
I keep thinking that maybe if I get better, I can go back. If I get really, truly better. No more anxiety, no more depression, no more moodiness. No more fucking up. I proved myself to everyone at some point, and then everyone died, and all of my progress started over. I couldn't get back to where I was because I wasn't meant to be there in the first place. 
Everyone thought I shouldn't be a marine. Popisia kept saying I didn't know how to control my emotions when she was pushing me to the edge. I would have been fine but she kept telling me that I wasn't supposed to be a marine, and I am. I've had the happiest moments when I was with that crew and I've fixed more in this galaxy in that crew than I ever could alone. I meant something to that crew. Adande saw something in me aside from being the one for him when he first started talking to me. If the commander saw something and promoted me before I had even talked to him ONCE wth the intention of not talking about our jobs, then that meant he fucking knew I had the balls to be a real leader. He saw it in me. I can still be that fucking person. I'll do anything to be the person he sees potential in again. I need to be on that field with him, I need to be fighting.
Adande doesn't see me as someone who can fight.
My husband doesn't see me as someone who can fight

January 17, 2190
He doesn't think I can fight

January 31, 2190
He's come to visit a couple of times, when he could sneak away, and he's helped me relax. He's added new memories to the apartment that overcome the ones that Abraham left. I have a fish now. His name is Helios and he's very pretty.
I've had much more time for my meditation. I made a breakthrough recently; I overthink things often and I tend to care too much. This was my problem in the unit. I just need to figure out how I can stop doing that and then I think I'll be ready to return. Hopefully, I am accepted. I'm excited, almost, to show the crew that I'm better, and that waiting the four fucking years for me to get better was worth it.

February 4, 2190
I've had more time to think about what I wrote, and I've got a plan down.
I was able to gain respect in the past, during the beginning of the Reaper War, by climbing the ranks as quickly as I did. I'll come back into the unit as a private to prove myself like that again. First or second class, I don't care. If the commander believes that I should be a certain rank, then the crew will probably think so, too. 
However, I remember last time, there was a problem with this part specifically. People were aware of my relationship with him, and they thought that Adande was promoting me because we were together. To fix this the best I can, I'll change my last name back to Morello, call Adande sir, and keep the relationship on the low around the crew, like I should have from the start. If I have to, I'll even sleep in the barracks. I don't like it, because it could feel like I'm separated from him, but if it means I'll finally be able to start over, I'll do it. I'd do anything for this crew and it's about time I start to act like it.
On top of those two things, I'm going to focus around my work completely. When we're on the field, I'll be doing above and beyond what I need to do. When we're off, I'll be ready to go, and I'll spend time getting to know the crew and re-gaining their trust and gain their respect, finally.
I'll show them all what I am capable of. I'll do better than anyone in this crew. I will do more than anyone's seen to make this galaxy a better place. And if someone tries to stop me, or if anyone doesn't believe me, they will not hold me back.

February 5, 2190
Things have been relatively as I expected them to be.
The day I returned, I was greeted with a couple dirty looks and an NCO making it clear that they're glad to have me back. On the mission, Popisia spoke to me without expressing her dislike, but another superior, Miller, made it pretty clear that I fucked up my first impression on him. He seems like the kind of guy who's easy to talk to, though, so I might be able to make up for it off-duty.
My first deployment was the first sighting of Negan by this crew since the Reaper War. He killed one of our own. It's his turn now, and this time, he'll really die.

February 10, 2190
A lot of things are going on right now, and Connie put together a galactic panic thing that's scaring the shit out of me. I'm not afraid of what could happen, I'm just afraid for the crew. These are people that were trained to handle things like this, but I don't want them to get too fucked up. We cannot afford a second Reaper War. We lost people that should have never been lost. There are things that were lost that can't be returned. I have faith in this crew, absolutely, when it comes to fighting for the galaxy. I'm just worried that they'll do their job too well and forget that they're fighting for themselves, too.
I think people understand that I'm going to pay for the things I've done. I still need to speak to a few people about it, but I think it's generally seen. I don't like sleeping in the barracks knowing that I've got a perfectly good room with my husband to sleep in and I don't think sleeping in the barracks is necessary for people to see that I'm serious, so I'll move back in there. My desk is up there anyway.

January 8th entry added.

January 11th entry added.

January 12th, 2190 entry added.

January 15, 16, 17 added

January 31 added

February 4 entry added.

February 4 entry redacted.

Added February 4 entry again

fuck you

Added February 5

February 10 entry added.