Victoria's Personal Logs

OOC: Victoria will be doing entries once again. They are on her datapad and terminal, both being accessible in the Captain's Quarters. The data pad is normally left open, however the terminal is shared with a Spectre, so good luck trying to guess that password. You may choose if you ICly read her entries or not when you read this OOCly.

September 2, 2189
I have decided to do entries again, however digitally because the diaries from the Reaper war should stay that way-- from the Reaper war. I thought it appropriate to begin documenting this as it starts. The entries from the Reaper war were to document the experience. I am documenting my experiences now because I believe that something much more powerful has begun.
Two years after the Reaper war ended and the rebuilding process began, an entire planet went dark on communications. The planet had been attacked by Collectors.
Whatever happened at the Conduit was supposed to disable all Reaper units, and I think it did, because if any Reaper units had survived, they wouldn't have waited two years to attack with the power that they attacked with. From what I learned with Pydh, the Collector Empire was not a hostile one. They were happy to be freed, the ones that lived. I am not sure if the Collectors have been once again brainwashed by something higher or they have made the decision on their own to attack. Whatever it is, this enemy may prove to be more difficult than the Reapers. To use Reaper tactics and succeed after the Reapers have been defeated, and to even use their tactics better is beyond intelligent. I have no grasp on what this could be whatsoever, but the horror we saw in the war and the ruins we solemnly recovered after our victory has strengthened me and the galaxy for whatever abomination is next.

September 3, 2189
We deployed today to Digeris, a turian planet, after hearing that separatists that are well-armed have been bothering the Hierarchy. On the Kodiak ride, we were shot down, and the Kodiak was beyond repair. We had to move, so we fixed up the injured and got into it. Most of the fighting was pretty repetitive until we got to what I believe was a church. We came across an injured female turian separatist. I didn't get to hear much of the conversation because I went to watch the perimeter, although I saw her being helped out by some Hierarchy turians. I'm not sure how that worked out, but it did, and probably by Adande's hand, so I trust it. Primus' brother also stopped by to kinda talk to us. He's a little bit out from here, defending with the Hierarchy, I think. We're holed up for the night in the church. It's crowded and it doesn't feel very safe, but I know it is with our defenses.
Before we departed, Adande showed some annoyance toward me. I made a point that I was getting antsy waiting around on the ship, and that pissed him off really quick. He brought up the men we lost and how marines need a break. I tried explaining that I wasn't actually bothered by being idle, but he just kind of shook his head at me and threw his helmet around and left. I don't know what I did, and I can't tell whether or not this is something else bothering him. I'm sleeping by myself tonight.

September 4, 2189
I think it's three in the morning. I can't sleep. I don't think Adande's ever acted like that before, from what I can remember. Whenever he was upset with me, he was very straight-forward with how he felt. There was the time that Adande found out about how far Flynt went, and I went to go and yell at Flynt for ruining shit, and Adande took it as me actually speaking with Flynt in a friendly manner.
From what I recall, the conversation that caused the problem that we had was really short. I was looking through his stuff, and he asked me what I was doing, and I said I got bored. I asked him when we were deploying next, because I was getting bored. I think he took bored as actually bored opposed to restless or antsy, which is what I was trying to imply. I don't know. He said "I don't get bored of my men not dying, Vicky. Everyone needs a break. We're deploying today." Something like that. I got kind of offended because I would think Adande knows me well enough to know that I, too, would like to rest and I, too, don't enjoy my family dying, but I guess not. I tried explaining that I didn't mean I was bored, he threw his helmet around and left the room and went off to Stolarz to handle the deployment.
When I was younger, I remember I felt pity for whoever I would sleep with because I kick and move around in my sleep often. I almost dreaded sleeping with someone else. I actually can't sleep without him. This is awful.

September 4, 2189 (cont.)
We recruited a female Drell doctor and a male human guard from a relief group called Nexus that were being held by the separatists. The woman's name, I don't know, but the man is named Tom. They sent a distress call, and we raided a pretty populated base with four men. The rest of their group has been taken by the separatists, and Nexus believes that the two are dead.
I haven't spoken to Adande yet. Maybe I should wait until we're back on the ship.

September 5, 2189
We had a major change in objective today. We left the church and took a train down to the city taken by separatists, with the intention to retake it. After wandering through the city, shooting whatever shot at us while we looked for generators to open the gate we needed to get through to shut down some AA guns to give the Hierarchy air superiority, an injured Turian helped us get through the gate in exchange for his life. This was when Greene had to make a history-changing decision-- whether to side with the Hierarchy and end the separatists, supporting the heavy military lifestyle and the bad stuff that they do, or to help the separatists gain their freedom. I was hoping Adande would see the right thing, and he did. We assisted the separatists and Domitius died in the process. Kurius must have looked up to him, because he was ready to shoot Greene after and right before that happened. He also attempted suicide. He's seemingly getting better now, though, because he talked to Greene and probably understood the decision he made and everything. This is a major change in the turian history, and I'm glad that I was a part of the group that redirected the path. Hopefully this won't mess with Greene's Spectre status or upset any leftover Hierarchy turians enough to target our group. Either way, we'll handle it.
Afterward, I talked with Adande for maybe a minute. Before we left today, he talked to me rather normally. Said hey, asked where I slept last night, told me where the food was when I asked. That was it. He's probably better now, considering that he completed a major feat-- I know I'm over it now-- but I'd still like to know what upset him. I think I'm going to sleep on the couch again tonight, just in case I took it the wrong way. He wasn't friendly, but he wasn't hostile like two days ago. We'll figure this out soon enough.
I also talked with Nyugen a little bit before we deployed while we were still at the church. He seems off, like something's bothering him. He also said he was sleeping a lot. I'll keep it in mind, but it's probably nothing.

September 7, 2187
I forgot to write yesterday, but the only interesting things happened at night, so I didn't get a chance. Adande told me what was going on. He just overreacted, and said it wouldn't happen again. We talked about what was going on. He said he felt the way he did on his way to Amek, that something was coming. We brainstormed for a bit on what it could be, and came to the conclusion that it's some higher power using Arakriel as a main man (Adande said something like "he's a puppet. They always are."), and the Collectors as soldiers. Whatever it is, both him and I are positive we'll win.

September 8, 2189
When the Constantinople was locked down, it was locked down with Jason's notebook in the back of my locker. He was losing memory at the end of his life due to a Kodiak crash, and when the dazzled Jason read the real Jason's notebook, he was astounded that I was his best friend, and even thought I was rude. Something must have clicked, because he gave me his notebook as a parting gift when he passed. I never read it until yesterday.
I remember, while reading the first entry, that I was the one that suggested to him writing daily. He picked it up, of course only after I told him that it wasn't a "girly" thing to do (and then, of course, I told him that it was kinda rude to women to think that doing something girly was embarassing and even if it was because he didn't do it because he's not a girl, it didn't matter because he'd be a man no matter what he did. That's one of the things I miss about Jason. He had southern charm, but not the southern stubbornness. I could teach him to not be sexist. Travis is a lost cause.) Once he wrote his first entry, he actually asked me to "review" it, like a teacher. I told him that the writing is personal, that no one else needs to review it because no one else is going to read it. As long as he could understand it, it was good. I still graded it because I wanted to read what he wrote. It was good when it came to relaying events throughout the day, but not to expressing emotion. That's when I taught him that emotions weren't girly, either, and that they were required. I still think about if maybe that wasn't the right thing to do, that I maybe should have kept him as a classic Kelce. I'd love to hear his answer-- either a joke or "I was never a bad boy to begin with. Daddy taught me right."
I should have spent my time with Jason much better than I did. I made his life too confusing. I know that Jason remembers all of it now.
I'm sorry, Jason. I still look at the stars and think about what we talked about. Tell me, are you a star now, too?

September 10, 2189
We deployed last night for Noveria, and met Arakriel again.
We cleared a research lab and base that had been attacked by the Collectors with the objective to save as many as we could, and take out Arakriel. We failed the second objective, and we were able to save a single Turian from a Collector pod. There were at least twenty decomposing bodies piled, and we watched and heard as pods steamed and liquified  people inside of them. We tried as hard as we could to cut the bodies out, but it seemed like the pods knew that we were trying to free those inside, and sped their processes up. As I type this, I'm starting to realize how awful the experience was. I noticed that I take borderline traumatizing experiences lightly as they happened when I was 19, but now that I'm back in action after those years, I see now that it's shock. I never get the time to grieve or panic, though, because I have to deploy and watch the traumatic experiences happen again. I have not received a break in three years, not even from Chicago. I am afraid that my first time truly relaxing will cause more stress for me than fighting did.
Adande was right, for the most part. We were able to ask Arakriel some questions when he was preparing to take us out, and Adande asked who he was working for. He never told us, but as he spoke about them, he used the word "they." We are working against a group. Arakriel also said that he wasn't working for them, but with them to help his people. He believes that what he's doing is right not because of the brainwashing that "they" have done, but because it will somehow save his race. This group is either powerful or incredibly manipulative and intelligent.
We lost Daniel Goss yesterday. Arakriel brought up something about advanced evolution for the Collectors, so he could fight better, and a bulked-up abomination of a Collector (I believed he called them Titans) killed Goss.
They are difficult to fight until their grabbing tentacles are eliminated. Once they're destroyed, they become better-armored Collectors. An army of these, however, will prove incredibly difficult.
We have got to find out who Arakriel is working for, and we need to kill them and him.

September 12, 2189
We just got back from shore leave last night, and I finally got to get some things in order that can't be organized when on duty. I spoke to the whole crew, including the new turian, Alcae, about Travis. I was able to convince Nade, Alcae, and (I think) the krogan to give him another chance and play nice while I'm working on getting Travis to see what he's doing wrong as a leader and as a person. I want to see him get better. I did it with Jason, and although his family might as well have disowned him for how I changed him, I did change him for the better. Travis is just a tougher cookie.
Alcae's cool. I've been spending a lot of time sitting around and thinking lately, and honestly, it's not for me. I need to talk to people to entertain myself. She's got a cute sense of humor and she seems trustworthy. I hope she stays on the crew and believes that I'm going to handle Travis for her. I'd like to see her try and talk to him herself, though. I'm always either the one fixing the problem or I'm the problem.
Adande was odd last night, in an enjoyable way. He had dissapeared for a bit. While I was talking to Luther about Travis and my work in Chicago (Kreg is cooler than I thought, I'm gonna talk to him more), he pushed him aside and took me in w big hug. He said he had talked with an amazing man on the bench outside. I asked for a description, what he was like, but he couldn't explain him. He seemed really, really affected by the guy, too. I want to ask him further about it, but it seems really personal, so I'll leave it.
We visited Adande's memorial, too, before they started taking it down. There was a handwritten letter on the grave. I'm going to try to match the handwriting with passed marines at some point because there's a part where it refers to the writer as a a dead man talking to another dead man, Adande. The personality in the writing isn't very much discernible. I had a hope it was Jason, but you could tell when a Kelce left their mark instantly. I thought it could be Banner, too. I didn't leave off on very good marks with Martin, but I've grown and the reasons were stupid. We need him for whatever's controlling Arakriel and the Collectors.

September 3, 2189











Dining seating

Table 1
Seat 3 - Flynt Thatcher
Seat 4 - Travis Kelce
Seat 5 - Diogo Stolarz
Seat 1 - Martin Banner
Seat 2 -Genos Primus
Seat 6 - Kreg Luther
Seat 7 - Thomas Nyugen
Placeholders for Jason Kelce, Multis, Invictus, Eleanor Lambert, Cana'Xeemma vas Constantinople, Rachel Elizabeth, and Uriel Vertanos

Table 2
Seat 8 - Nade Ester
Seat 2 - Octis Kurius
Seat 1 - Alcae Kurius
Seat 4 - Violeta Lasar
Seat 5 - Urdnox Krux
Seat 3 - Ethan Almos
Seat 7 - Armin Cobar
Seat 6 - Claudell Harper
Placeholders for Iona Petrov, Anne Itsuko, Logan Maverick, Vladimir LeRouche, Reed Beckham, and Callistius Zervaria

Table 3
Tiora An'sor
Jayden Resnick
Rocko Wilde
Annabelle Morello
Vincent Morello
Andi Greene
Placeholders for Mr. Greene, Mrs. Greene, Greene's ex-wife (?)
If mom and dad don't show, move the three girls to table 2 and Rocko, Tiora, and Jay away from Andi. If they do, find one person from Greene's side (Kozlov?) to sit next to mom/dad so they're not seated next to one of the three they disapprove of.



Court
Bridesmaids
Rocko Wilde
Jaylen Resnick
Tiora An'sor - Maid of honor
Violeta Lasar (?)
Alcae Kurius (?)

Groomsmen
Ask later.

To-do list:
- Cake testing
- Book somewhere on Eden Prime
- Decorate
- Get someone to marry us
- Find a fucking planner

September 14, 2189
I asked Violeta for some advice yesterday about the wedding, and I thought it to be another opportunity to get to know the crew more like I've been planning (speaking of, I need to speak with the new krogan), but she's conservative in conversation. She'd picked the gold dress, which is what I liked the most, too, so I'm thinking that we're doing the gold, white, and red wedding theme. I need to incorporate red into the bridesmaids' and groomsmens' outfits. She reminded me that the court isn't just made of bridesmaids and a best man-- that there are a set of groomsmen and a maid of honor. Maybe I'll do a red dress for the maid of honor, and a regular suit with red detail for the best man. The gold dress and the cream-colored suit are for the rest of the court. I'm still not sure if Greene would be okay with the place for his late wife, let alone the seats for the passed. If he isn't okay with that, I'd like a moment of silence before the speeches from the court and the attendees. Either way, I think I'll do the moment of silence. I'll have those seated next to the empty spots pull chairs out. Maybe there should be an empty table just for those who have passed? Or that's too grim. I hope Adande's free today, I haven't even shown him what I've put together yet, let alone tell him I'm planning at all.

September 15, 2189
My dress, Adande's suit, bouquet, court suits and dresses approved
Best man: Flynt Thatcher
Maid of honor: Tiora An'sor (?) I don't have any close girl friends, and she's not the type to write a speech and be generally appropriate at a wedding.

No placeholders for the passed-- ask if a moment of silence is okay since you forgot dumbass

Put Andi on my court

Cover tattoos during reception and party?

Get a fucking custom dress for Alcae

Maid of honor dress


Best man suit

September 16, 2189
Late last night, the Constantinople was attacked by Hierarchy soldiers under command by a turian Spectre. The CIC was destroyed in the process, which spaced 2nd Lt Adam Meyers. There were multiple points of entry by the turian ship's pods, one being in the crew's quarters. There were no injured aside from the casualty. Adande was under attack specifically by a turian who seemed to be the leader of the enemy crew. From him, Adande was able to figure out why we were attacked, which was the reason we had all been thinking. The Hierarchy was not happy with us killing them. This first attack was incredibly dangerous and we could have lost a lot more.
I am sad to say that I strongly believe this is not the first attack we will get from the Hierarchy, as I believe we are continuing our allegiance with the separatists. What I'm fearful of, though, is that Arakriel and whatever may be controlling him will take this as a chance to try and eliminate us. I've said plenty times before that this threat might not be considered large (which I disagree with), but the potential and power Arakriel holds can violently increase at any moment. I hope that we can catch when Arakriel targets us as we focus on this civil conflict and stop his terrorism. It's the high tension moments like these where I wish the ones we've lost could wake from their peace and help us.
I have not felt fear for two years. I am scared.

September 18, 2189
The events that took place on the 16th led to a briefing with the crew in which everyone expressed that they'd like to continue fighting for the separatists. There was a short time where Adande spoke only to Alcae and Octis once everyone had expressed how they felt. Something must have snapped in him during this conversation because he switched his siding again. We are now defending the Hierarchy. Yesterday, we left suddenly for Palaven to begin our defense.
The first thought I had while on this mission was one that I wish could be the biggest thing on my mind due to the nature of it. The crew had united for Alcae and Octis like I haven't seen before, not even with those who were with me on my first day with the 2nd MSRC. It was a beautiful thing, and I thanked everyone for the unity, but it was strange, because as I had this heartfelt talk with the small group of people, I couldn't really relate to anyone there, or say that I knew them well, except for Nade and Adande. I am jealous of these problems now, because they are easily fixable. The problems we have now are not.
I had to watch Alcae kill her own people. I had to listen to Octis turn his alliance on Adande. I had to resort to talking to a stranger for comfort. Next, I have to see Adande change the course of an entire race.
It's difficult to put together my thoughts right now. I should think things through before I try to write them down.

September 19, 2189
We did it. The turian race is saved.
Adande's plan was a lot different than I thought it was. We went to visit the Primarch and him and Garrus basically told him to fuck off and man up, and then they went to the separatist leader and did the same. Then we just went home. It was beautiful. I'm so proud of my baby.

September 21, 2189
Yesterday, I entered the bar to come upon Abner, Arglack, and Lasar talking about Humphrey. Earlier in the day, Arglack told me that Humphrey shot her predator in the air while getting into a fight with Luther. Arglack's account of this: he was awoken by three Predator shots, so he got his Carnifex and tracked the shots. He came upon Luther and Humphrey grappling, and Humphrey had the gun in hand. He told them both to stand down, and Humphrey proceeded to ball up and fall to the floor, crying. It was also found out that she had drank Volus poison before this. At one point, Kreg claimed to Arglack that if "Luther got any closer, she'd shoot," and she did. I still don't understand why this event happened, and I would have talked to Luther about it last night if I didn't walk into that bar after Arglack told me about it.
I entered and heard Violeta talking shit about Victoria, and this wasn't acceptable, regardless of the events that took place, in my opinion. The crew is your family, and if you don't consider them family, they still might be the corpsman to save your life later on. I corrected her mistake and asked her to stop, she said no because he doesn't consider "someone like that" family and then kept talking shit, I said that that was disrespectful to both her and the crew, she continued, so I took her to my quarters and quickly explained why that was wrong to say. I was not intending to sound rude, but authorital. She took it the wrong way and began swearing at me and generally disrespecting me after I had opened up to her to make a point. It escalated rather quickly when she detailed on how I had started going with Adande when Sam was hospitalized (I remember lying at this point and saying that I knew he was dead, which isn't true, I knew he was alive. I didn't know how to explain to her what I did wasn't wrong in any other way, so I just lied.) to disrespect towards every name on the wall. I recall her exact words: "all of those names on the wall probably died bad people anyway." I lost myself at that point and started yelling. I brought her to the wall and started saying the names and the way that they died and what type of person they were. She believed that I couldn't have known what was going through their minds or what their moral compasses were like on the evidence that I didn't mention every name on the board. I left out plenty of people because they were either fresh Pv2's who I never got to speak to or they were a traitor, like Edwards and Martinez. The yelling had gathered a crowd of Alcae, Arglack, Travis and Abner. Travis called me a hypocrite, and then said I was having a sissy fit, which is pretty childish. No one fucking knew the situation and was immediately looking at me as the bad guy. Violeta's stance? "She's not family because she shot at another marine." Mine? "She didn't shoot at Luther, she shot in the air, she was drunk, and it was obviously a mistake that will be handled by your commander-- someone you should have enough trust in to believe that the situation was handled (that's another thing I've seen among the crew lately-- a sudden drop in trust in the commander. If you don't trust Adande, leave. Literally just leave.). Adande came back once I left the argument because no one would see my point, and walked in on Alcae trying to comfort me and me explaining how I wanted to leave the crew because I cause too many problems and no one had any fucking respect for me-- and indirectly none for Adande's decision-making skills because he put me in the power position I have-- so I thought I'd take one for the team, even though I firmly believe I was right in this situation and the "opponents" just happened to be an old fucking racist man and a drunken woman. Adande calls Violeta up, makes the point that it doesn't matter what the order is, you take it from your NCO's and you give them respect wordlessly, and she refused and got on a Kodiak and left. I wanted to fix this problem myself, but words weren't going to fix it. A "shut the fuck up and get off the ship" from me would have.
I took Alcae's earlier advice and had a night alone with Adande afterward, but I couldn't help and think about if he thought I was wrong in the situation. He knows what I've done over the time of his death, but I've been stuck in positions that make me look like the girl who attempted suicide in New York two years ago. I feel alone.

September 21, 2189
I hate this imbalance of occupation and boredom. For a week, we'll do nothing, and then we'll do someone in a day that has enough energy in it for a year. Getting sick of this goddamned room. Maybe I'll redecorate.

OOC: The past two diary entries about Victoria's parents are voided.

October 5, 2189
Adande came back yesterday from talking to the Council about the Hierarchy stuff, and from what I got from Connie's recordings of the conversation this morning, the Council wasn't too thrilled to see him at first, but they came to understand that it was the best course of action. He came back and told me that we were deploying soon, and I was a bit relieved, but a bit fearful. The past week and a half has been incredibly boring, and so I was glad to see Adande come back because trouble follows him. This time, it's not good trouble. This morning, it was announced that the Citadel is under attack by Collector ships and that civilians should go to designated safe zones and military units are to go to their command for orders. Adande hasn't been around today, so he's probably talking to Max and Diogo and preparing things for whatever we do next (and probably today.)
I'm grateful that Adande made the right choice with the Hierarchy in the end because if we didn't we'd be having to deal with both conflicts at the same time. Arakriel waited, it seems, for the Turian conflict to be over, which is polite, although he probably used the time to plan further ahead, past this Citadel attack. Fucking cheater.
I'm gonna clean my armor and my weapons today, and put aside the tattoo design. Back to saving the Galaxy.

October 5, 2189
We did end up acting today. First, we started with a ship battle. We had all different types of species' fleets behind us against a Collector ship. After a lot of loss, we tore it to shreds and proceeded to the Citadel. The Citadel's defense fleet was guarding the opened arms, silent over radio as we approached. They would not communicate with us at all in this interaction, but instead, they would fire at ALL of us with ALL of their power, devastating the Raloi fleets entirely.
I'm not sure how, but we and a dozen other kodiaks made it into the Citadel as the arms were being closed. The others were crushed or locked out, ultimately blocking communication. Once in the Citade, we headed for the Drell wards. This is when Stoat started saying some dumb and kinda disrespectful shit, so I tried keeping him in line like Adande had taught me to-- force and orders as opposed to logic and reasoning-- but he shut us both up. It was a small thing compared to what we lost today, but it still makes me uneasy that I may not be able to ever satisfy Adande in my leadership, nor my crew. Maybe I should not be a leader.
We land and begin speaking with a sargeant and he tells Adande what we need to do. After a lot of rounds and grenades and broken shields, we got to where we needed to go, and found who we needed to extract dead, however, with the cards we needed. An old friend of the 2nd MSRC's had recovered the cards and put the body to rest right before we showed up. He hasn't gotten any weaker, and I'm impressed and relieved to know he's alive. A man like him is needed in a time like this, and he was such a comfort to Adande. Something told me he'd have to be back one day, with or without the marine armor.
Once we had finished that objective, we head to our next and come across Arakriel's path. He stood at the console controlling the Citadel's arms, giving his usual speech. However, this time, he had a hostage. He held the asari Councilor, and unfortunately, she passed in this exchange at his hand.
The next part of what we discovered is hard to think about, and normally writing it out would help me comprehend it better, but I think I need some more time to accept it. Since this will probably be published as another documentary of this next war-- because we know now that this is another war-- those reading will know the enemy and events that took place today by the date it was written. I'm going to comprehend and think about this and write about it as we learn more. All I know right now is that we killed their little slaves, so we can kill them, too.

October 12, 2189
I feel like I'm losing control again. I'm going to put up a wall and isolate myself until I'm safe enough and sane enough to come out-- I don't know how else to protect myself. Maybe the problem is that I'm spending too much time with him, or I'm too dependent on him. I hope he understands if I distance myself, and hopefully he'll pick up on the wedding planning while I take a break, because we really need to book a place on New Eden. I feel like if I write anything more, it's just going to be complaining and self-pity and I'm not fucking with that childish shit anymore.

October 13, 2189
Since I have decided to isolate myself, I am the only person I can talk to about my problems, so I'm gonna keep writing daily until I feel I've gotten better. Things like these are the things I wish Banner could see-- the fact that I am actively changing my daily lifestyle in order to redirect my attention to my job with this unit is the type of thing he's looking for, and I've done it twice. He also looks for leadership, though, and I don't think I can defend myself well with that.
I think I'm a natural leader, and I think everyone on the crew is. Only leaders would join the marines to begin with. I just don't think I have had enough training or refining of my leadership skills to really be able to call myself a leader. It definitely helps that I was put into a leader position anyways, though, because it forces me to do my best. I still feel like my best isn't enough, but that could be me being too critical, or judging myself the amount that one should when in my position. I'd like to be closer with Banner because of all he's done for Adande and for the galaxy, but something about the way he holds himself tells me that he doesn't have time for me, and if he did, he'd spend it alone. I'm not too affected by it, though. He's the only crew member I don't consider a friend or more.
I feel like I still haven't gained the respect of the crew, even after the nine months of fighting in the Reaper war and the things I did in Chicago and what I've done so far for the effort against the Leviathans. Adande suggests that when I give orders, I enforce them when they aren't taken, instead of explaining why the order matters and why I'm right to give the order. I don't think I would respect someone on a personal level, as opposed to a work level, if that's how they approached problems. I think you should explain the order, and then you can reinforce it by just telling them what to do again. Balance is always best. I can see why he'd say that, though-- you don't have time to explain an order when you're on the field. That's a different story, though. If I give an order
on the field, people tend to listen because they understand the urgency, or because they know Adande passed it to me to give. Either way, it works, regardless if it's because of my husband's authority or mine. Maybe I am not meant to be a leader if it has taken this long to gain the amount of respect I have.

October 13, 2189 (cont.)
I'm exhausted, but I'm making a note to write tomorrow about what else happened today.

October 14, 2189
I love writing about semi-traumatic experiences in the morning.
Yesterday, the Constantinople was attacked by a Collector ship. I was assigned to lead Raider 1 in the hangar, and after taking out Collectors that breached and constantly looking over our shoulders to make sure they don't pop up behind us again, the enemy ship shot through the hangar and actually tore the left half off. It almost cut through to one of the staircases, too, and Alcae was near where the hangar got torn. We retreated and took the hallway that leads to the hangar, and Aegis team came in and went down to the hangar to take out an Oculus. They took it out almost right away, which isn't surprising when it's Banner and his friend and a krogan. My team is guarding the deck 2 stairs and the mess hall area and the bridge to the hangar when the enemy ship, in one of it's last attacks, shoots straight through the CIC, mess hall, and hangar, tearing a hole straight through. For a moment, our kinetic barriers went down and we were being breached from what felt like every orifice the ship had to offer. Banner asked Raider 1 to the CIC to help take out a Collector Captain, and I saw Adande walk past us with a legless Stolarz from a cockpit on fire. I remember thinking that that fight could've been the last for the 2nd MSRC. A ship full of the galaxy's most important people-- gone in an unplanned, unexpected attack. Now we know what energy we have to put in to fight back. Now we know how strong they are.
They're stronger than the Reapers.

October 17, 2189
Last night, a specimen created by the Salarian doctor in the lab got loose in the ship. I stood next to the asari doctor as she chewed him out about how it wasn't the plan, and I was able to collect that her plan was to use chemotherapy to kill it, but the salarian starved him instead. Somehow, it thrived, grew to 100 times its size and escaped into the ship. It turned into an acid-spitting Titan. With the ship already compromised in a lot of places, this was terrifying. We'd taken them down before, though, so I knew we'd fine. It would be nothing like the Collector attack a few days ago. Then, we found out that Diogo had opened the hangar doors without warning, which killed the quartermaster instantly. I wheeled Diogo up to Adande's room before Adande told him what he did, and a few moments later, while I was talking with Alcae in the brig guarding the salarian, we heard a predator shot go off. Diogo had shot himself.
I rushed up with weapon drawn, and saw Adande on his knees, in Diogo's blood pool, with bloodied knuckles and a broken fish tank. I called Uriel up to take care of him, and called a curfew, because I felt like I needed to take control somehow, but Uriel overruled it. He probably still thinks I'm fucking crazy. Uriel took him down, with Diogo's body, and I cleaned up the room and went off to bed. I fell asleep before he came to bed. I'm not sure if he even came up last night.
I've never seen him in that much distress. I was there when he found out his mother was dead, and he was not nearly as distressed as he was then. He punched out the fish tank, and cut his hand up, and was screaming. I'm worried. I'm so, so worried. But I can't do anything. This is a high-stress time and I'm not a leader. Uriel will have to run the ship while he's out, because I can't take that on.

October 19, 2189
I can't be a fucking leader anymore. My decisions are never the right thing. And I can't be asked to lead with this war. I'm just not fucking strong enough. I'm telling Greene when I can.